About my Great Grandma Clara

I wrote this back in March 15, 2007 just before she passed away. I had this blog on another site but they had deleted all my blogs and I've requested it to be return to me. So I'm getting what I want to be posted to here instead. 

After I visited my Great Grandma Clara, it's really hard to see her body is degrading of dehydration. She didn't want to go back to the hospital to get hydrate, cause she didn't want to live her life with not walking for the rest of her life. In all of her life that she was living, she was always on her feet doing things. She always busy herself with something. She was healthy, was happy. I was holding her right hand, just holding...I talk to her about things that's happening in my life...I shed a few tears, knowing that she not going to get well. I get flashes of memories of our times together, when we had a great time, and just a time when we'll chatted, telling each other stories in our lives. Now I just say the last story for her...she is just finishing her last steps in the journeys of her life, just getting a step closer to Heaven's gates. I can't imagine how much joy she'll feel when she meet Jesus, and meet all her family that came to Heaven before her. I'll miss her greatly when she go Home. It just make it all the more to look forward to Heaven, is to see love ones again, most of all, is to see Jesus. To thank Him, face to face for what He had done for me. Today, I found out something really interesting. My Grandma told me that I am relate to George Washington's wife, as well as I'm a mutt. Since I have mixed breed genes in me. Incredible, isn't it? Whenever I think of God, of how He made me, I tried to imagine that He tip His head just thinking, what color should I put in her eyes, or what kind of smile that she have to show friendliness. I also tried to imagine of how He made my brothers as well. Just having fun, really get the idea what would it be like. I also imagine, what God feels when my parents accept me as a gift from Him, that He'll smile, when they rejoice at seeing me being born. I feel awestruck and mysterious about how God create life. When I talk about this, it make me think about Grandma Clara, that she is just getting close to starting a new life, a life that is untouched by sin, that it's pure from lusts, evil, and pain. A life that will be at peace with no tears shedding of sorrow, since God will just put His finger to brush the tears away. Such deep feeling, thinking about it. Oh, I longs to be Home, 'El 'Elyon But time is not close, I am to keep loving, forgiving, to serve You, that please You in what way You call me to. I keep asking You, everyday, to have the heart like You to be in place of mine. To live a life, that will glorify You. To ask that Thy will, to come pass in my life, and not my own. There's a song that keep playing in my mind, You the heart of me. That You are, oh Lord God Almighty, 'Adonai 'Elohim Shaddai.

Letter to God

Father,
What am I doing here? Sitting in this chair, with many thoughts going through my head. Suddenly, my tears is already falling. Just thinking, I'm still at a loss for words. I couldn't even move my tongue to talk, only just words going around in my mind. My thoughts have been a lot about the people who is still lost. Have many found You, have any search for You? Many would ask, where were You when I hurt, where were You when this happened? I could hear You whisper, I was here with you, putting My Arms around you. Only you don't feel it, cause you only look at your hurt. Listen for My whispers and you'll know I'm there. My heart, oh, Lord! It's hurts and cried out to You. Asking You, to please lead me to anyone who needs You, to anyone who is searching for You. I can't say I have empathy, only compassion. That You gave me, Lord God. I hurt, mostly for those who don't know You and those who doesn't want anything to do with You. Sometime my thoughts get stuck somewhere in my mind, like it won't come to the front. I have questions, but I know I can trust in You. I know there are people who ask, why do I keep trusting You, even when I don't understand what You're doing to me. I know that whatever You do, it wasn't to hurt me, but to bring me through, to walk me through this life. Your Word, Lord, it bring me comfort, security, love, and faith. Your Word, cause me to run to You, to fall down on my knees to worship You. You're beautiful, Father, it's Your characters that bring me to You. I know that I can trust You, cause You've seen the outcome of what the choices I would make when I trust You. Sometime I'm afraid to make a mistake if it isn't Your will. I've been told to pray about it. I know that praying, bring me much closer to You. Cause when I do, I feel my heart become warm. Like it's basking in Your love. I do need encouragement, Father, everyday, that I am being a vessel for You for Your glory. I don't want the feeling that I haven't been the servant that You want me to be. I don't want any credit that I do for You, I want the credit to be all for You. Cause when I do try to take the credit, I would fall. My life is suppose to be about You, a display of Your Son, Jesus. I know that I am leaving tracts to places. I'd pray that those who reads it, would want to know You. I pray that my life be a living testimony around others. A reflection of You and not myself. I want to bring myself to be a living sacrifice to You, holy and acceptable to You. I know that I have the confidence in You, Lord God. In You to making me a beauty, a testimony to others. Even when I don't know it, but it's there. I just don't see it in a small ways that You do. My heart is ever before You, in worship and in prayers. You loves us all! Small or great, good or bad. Not one thing can make You not love us. Such an amazing love, that goes beyond, like eternity. That has no end. Now I am resting in You, ready to do Your call whenever that may be.
Love your daughter in Christ,
Christie

I wrote this in May 13, 2011